Remembering my Ah Gong

Losing a loved one is never easy.

My Ah Gong or Grandpa, passed on for over a decade now. But the memories of him still resided somewhere in my heart and mind. Very often, for no apparent reason, I would think of him and started to feel sad and regretful. Sad, since he was no longer around, and regret, for not making an effort to learn his dialet, the Hainanese, to communicate better with him. Sometimes I really wonder, even till now, whether Ah Gong really understood what I was saying with my half-bucket Hokkien.

I can remember vividly, on the day that Ah Gong died, I was still in school, celebrating my "victory" over that stubborn Home Economics test paper. I knew nothing of his passing. I was light-footed as I skipped up the stairs to my house. Then I noticed there were a lot of footwear at the doorstep. Hmmm, how come got so many shoes? What's the occasion? I thought to myself, still humming a little tune inside my head.

The gate was unlocked. I opened it and saw many red faces and red watery eyes. I was dumbstruck. What happened? Then my father broke the news to me in a try-to-calm voice," Your Ah Gong just passed away." My shoulder suddenly gave way and my school bag slide down to the cold, hard floor. For a few seconds, I couldn't comprehend what my father was saying. I walked slowly into my parents' room and sat on their bed. Moments later, as if finally understanding what was going on, tears just trickled down. I was sobbing uncontrollably. No one was there to console me. Everyone was equally sad. I waited until I had calmed down, before seeing my Ah Gong's body. I was afraid. I was never this close to a dead body. I dared not touch him.

Maybe that is why I keep thinking about Ah Gong. For not showing my filial piety to him while he was around and when he was dead.


"It's not important if you can't change the past. The most important thing is that you had made me smile."